20 May 2012
"You really need to do something with your music...." Deb had said it as I was exiting a school that I had been attending. It seemed the school and I were parting ways. I was leaving because I thought I needed to grow up, but she saw another reason. They wouldn't "pass" my music anymore. I had been asked to play at Sunday schools all over campus, and then it stopped, they stopped letting me do it. The words still ring in my ears over ten years later. I must confess, I really didn't think she meant what she said.
Then I heard it again at my home church. "Sara...REALLY." I still didn't believe it. No way.
Why? Why this wall? Why didn't I get it? Why did I busy myself with other ministries when my heart was someplace else (always for people)? One reason was probably because of the circle I was in, Christian fundamentalist circle, the other was, most likely, plain old fear (insecurity).
I face this fear this weak head on. I'm walking through a door that I can't go back through. To others it probably doesn't seem significant AT ALL. Playing in church is not different for me, singing originals either. What's different about next Sunday is that I am specifically going out to A) minister B) promote my music.
I sat in front of the computer tonight just as nervous as anything starring at my soundcloud page with a surreal edge. What if I really didn't write this stuff (good or not)? What if I can't relearn how to play them? I starred at the list of songs I had chosen. Well, turns out it wasn't a different person that wrote them, so those fears were allayed, but I'm ill at ease.
My desire is that I'll have Zeke's eyes in the picture above. Eyes set on Daddy. Eyes set on my Father, so whatever happens my motives were pure, my heart was tuned into His, and the rest HE can worry about.