Some other reasons for the trip surfaced. My personal reasons, reasons John was rightfully concerned about. I was long frustrated, weary and DONE with grasping in the dark for a ministry in Germany, for fellowship. I was DONE with foreign language 101, daily. I was DONE with jail time. Of course, John was to blame. Don't jump to conclusions, though, there was a return ticket I was planning on using. :)
A lot of strong words, yes, yelling, fighting, and crying. John cried, I cried, even Keane cried. Zeke, however, blissfully unaware, still smiled. Praise the Lord.
"I've been waiting, John, for six years TO DO something!" I meant do something for the Lord as family with a purposeful directive. (Self righteous much?)
I had heard, "I'm not called to full time ministry," and I had no answer to that. We had spent the last years, if we happened to be in an English speaking church, busying ourselves with stuff. Serving, I suppose, toilet cleaning, Sunday School, music, home groups, but nothing was clicking. All of it fell apart. What was God calling us to do as a family?
Saturday I finally had a response to the question I could not get passed, and though, it didn't come out the right way, I yelled, "I don't care what God is NOT calling you to do, what is he calling you TO do, John Varghese, because He IS calling you to do something?!!!!" Silence (besides my sobs).
Lots of us had been waiting, come to find out. John had been waiting for me to decide to follow him. I had been waiting to follow someone, and God had been waiting for obedience from both of us. Only, two of us, though, had been pacing the floor.
I think all of my waiting and heartache will finally give way to hope. There will be big changes.
Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. Romans 5:3-5
There is yet another, little person, who has been waiting for hope. Might be waiting for YOU to do something. Believe me, when struggle gives way to hope, there are BIG changes, there is BIG peace, and a whole lotta joy.