31 January 2012

Temple Restored

For the three of you that might be interested to know what is happening with "Temple Restored" I'll give you the low down.  I've de- promoted myself and the project a little bit, because I got insecure.  Yep, that sums it up. No one, specifically, is to blame.  Just scared.

I think about the fact that I'm 35, the limited feedback from my music posts, the fear that I'm going to neglect my babies if I give it more time, the reality of living in a foreign country I can barely move around in, disappointing people/husband, making a big ol' fat fool of myself, etc. You know, the usual. 

Very limited feedback....I felt like there was some kind of conspiracy going on (don't feel bad, it's just me being consumed with accolades). Then I thought maybe there were actually people listening to it, "big" people.  Yeah, my mind went that far. THAT subliminal kind of vague feedback, if you detect any, will get you no where.  It's something out of Beautiful Mind.  It's not feedback.  It's not REAL.  I've already had subliminal conversations on the blog-o-sphere. You can't prove anything and the information can be interpreted in a multitude of ways. For me it was just an emotional roller coaster.

A couple of days ago, I got off the "Temple Restored" horse, sat down on my kitchen floor and cried.  It's really not fair (whaaaaa! poor me).  I had pure motives for doing this project at the onset. Simple, record one more time with more instruments and hopefully send money to India. What happened to them?  Where did they go?  Did they get crowded out by self promotion? When did I get so self consumed (don't answer that)?  Why the complication?   I had told the Twitter world and Facebook...and God, I was done. "I'm out."

Guess what this stupid Bible study book is discussing right now? The one I'm suppose to be facilitating? Jonah. I'm reading it. I'm wanting to hear something else from the Lord besides obedience lessons.  The Lord won't let my heart settle on NOT pursuing the completion of the project. "Don't be so reactionary, Jonah, Tarshish, really?"

So I've relented to at least pray about "Temple Restored".  I have something I am specifically praying for.  The one thing that will hopefully stay the same is less time on the internet and limited self promotion, more time practicing, while still being able to finger paint the alphabet with Keane (ok, maybe just "h"). 

This internet stuff, not to sound archaic, but it's one big mind chaser.  It's LSD on a screen.  No Thanks.

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