06 August 2011

Diagnosis: Imperfect

Keane's attempt at photography above.

 Love it when he puts his "binky" in upside down. 

 I didn't know I had a disorder.  Another term for this is pride, which I knew I had.  The video was interesting to me. The avoiding close relationships, seclusion, lack of achievement....all familiar to me.  I know these things started with pain, rejection, embarrassment not dealt with in a Biblical way. 

My last year in Junior High (we were all so secure then weren't we?) before graduation the whole of the school, it seemed, went to the gym to watch a slide show.  Yes!  As the slide show was progressing, everyone was cheering, laughing, talking. I was caught between the feeling of not wanting to be in the slide show, and the feeling of wanting to be included.  Then it happened, a picture of just me, an awful picture (not so photogenic at 13)....the whole gym was silent. I died. I was sitting by myself, hot, embarrassed, wanting to crawl under the bleachers and not come out until I was sure everyone had gone home (midnight or so).  I had one friend who cheered from the other side of the room- bless her.  However, this is cake compared to what I've been through.  The rest of my life, sadly, has reflected it.

Some people are just free, you know?  They come to Christ and they run (Paul).  Some have to work this stuff out (the rest of the world).  How many relationships have I destroyed with simple pride/insecurity?  Yikes. It wasn't until I moved here (Germany) that I started really valuing friendships. I know, what?  REally?  Now, I desperately want friends, but I'm still wading in the waters of how to be one. I don't talk on the phone, unless it's an hysterical emergency call (not cool).  I don't know what to talk about- easily frustrated with small talk, and committing to a friendship is like someone telling me to jump off the edge of the Grand Canyon with promises of survival.  For women, this is hard to understand, I'm sure.  I ALWAYS have a back door. "I don't NEED anyone."

John found out the hard way how hard my heart can be.  We had our first fight, one fight, and I disconnected.  I felt rejected entirely, I was done.  He was like, "sheesh, what's wrong with you?"  We are the opposite.  I leave the room when confrontation happens....on the T.V. (I'm not kidding).  He confronts anyone and everyone about everything (not always well received).  He likes to talk, and if something is in the water, we don't drink it, we fish it out. Annoying for someone who keeps it all in and sits on it, drinks it, or dismisses it, but never acknowledges the need to work it out because of attachment.

If there is one thing John would like to change about me, this is it.  He would like me to have more friends, even talk to his friends.  I don't NOT talk to them, I just don't connect- sorry guys.  It's terrible. God is showing me how important this is and I'm sure He brought me here to change it.

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